


Why is he your friend, Evan?

by gustin_puckerman



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: ALSO connor says fuck a lot, AU when they're friends omg, M/M, but after the initial bad meeting tbh, but connor didn't die, i guess, like it still sorta follows the musical
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2017-06-16
Packaged: 2018-11-14 21:27:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11216598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gustin_puckerman/pseuds/gustin_puckerman
Summary: Evan likes everything about Connor.An AU wherein after a week of Connor freaking out over the fact Evan wrote something about his sister, they somehow became friends. And Evan is more than appreciative of it.





	Why is he your friend, Evan?

Evan likes everything about Connor. 

Well, no. Not really. That’s not true. Sometimes Evan really doesn’t like it when Connor gives that _glare_? That hateful glare, you know? That makes his blue eyes turn — _sharp_. Like knives. Like it could cut you. Like Evan could feel it everywhere down his skin and it’s. God. It’s awful, like Evan’s stomach would twist and turn and wishes he could just tell Connor to _stop_. Don’t do that to him. What did he do wrong? What did he fuck up this time? Or when Connor fights with Zoe. He’s so. Terrible. It’s so terrible. The way they talk. And sometimes it makes Evan feel so— so _angry_. Because Evan doesn’t understand, even though he does. 

No, he understands that Connor is lonely and afraid and—he. He gets it. Not like how Evan feels, but the spectrum of their sadness is almost on the same level, and Evan — Evan at least knows it, and he gets that, but he’s still. Angry. Because. Connor shatters a lot of this image of Zoe in Evan’s head that he’s made up and that’s not cool but it isn’t Connor’s fault and why would Evan ever think Zoe’s so immensely perfect anyway when she really isn’t, because she’s human, because if she _is_ perfect, then that’d be weird and wouldn’t that make her, like a robot? And what is the definition of perfect anyway? And it’s all strange and why do they even exist, and why does it even matter and—

Off topic.

But. Evan generally likes Connor. Not when he’s glaring or arguing or sneering or — or when he’s high. Because Connor’s level of angriness shoots up really badly when he’s not focused and _there_ , and. He gets paranoid a lot and one time he gets really angry and it’s _scary_ , and Evan really couldn’t remember much except his lungs can’t work well when Connor was staring at him like _that_ , like knives were digging into Evan’s whole body and he feels like he could explode and melt all at the same time (in a very bad way, of course, and not in a gay way because Evan is _not_ gay, because Evan is in love with Zoe and not Zoe’s brother) and Connor was seething about. About _something_. Maybe about Zoe. Or Larry. Or Cynthia. Evan couldn’t remember, but he’s apologising, Evan's saying sorry and Connor is still so mad, oh no, Evan wants to reach out, wants to soothe this whole mess but he’s making it worse because why wouldn’t he, because he’s such a mess himself, and why would Connor even care and—

A week later, Connor’s sprawled over (or on?) Evan on his bed and it’s weird and it’s — Connor’s heavy, _heavier_ than Evan expects — and he’s crying, a little, saying he’s sorry and, “My drug dealer fucking punched me later, that piece of shit.” And Evan doesn’t _get_ _it_ , not really, but all he knows is that they might be okay, and Connor explained more that he’s sorry. He’s sorry that he fucked up. That he’s — crazy. And no, Evan was telling him, no he’s not. Not crazy. Just a little sick, maybe. Like Evan is. And Evan was so scared that Connor will punch him for categorising them on the same level, but all Connor did was snort-chuckle a little against Evan’s chest — where his snot and tears have all wet the area and Evan felt sticky and weird and was this okay? Was he breathing too hard? Was his chest too hollow that his bones felt like it’s prickling Connor back? — and stayed there. And maybe hummed. Like, he agreed. Which was crazy. Because in what world had Evan thought that Connor Murphy, the school’s resident delinquent and stoner, would ever agree with a lonely and pathetic loser like Evan?

“Anyway. Point is.” Connor was still sniffling and Evan can feel it — swear to God — just _everything_  , every little movement, and it shook him to his core that they’re this close, that Connor _wanted_ to be this close with Evan Hansen, the weirdest kid in school who hyperventilates on a daily basis like a goddamn career, and just. It’s weird. And it irked Evan a little that he’s not able to pick on his shirt, played with it, just do _something_ — all he had was Connor’s own shirt on top of him (Connor’s own _body and hair and everything, just everything_ ) and he. All he’s left was to touch a little on the area of Connor’s shoulder. Petting. God, Evan’s a disaster. “I’m glad he did. One, I’m never gonna fucking buy anything from him again, _fuck_ _him_. Second... I... I want to stop, anyway. Hansen. Fuck. I scared you, didn’t I? It—” 

Connor was shaking his head, and again. Evan. Evan felt it. Everything. Suddenly it’s like Connor was so expressive, even if Evan can’t see his face. “I can’t scare you again. So I’m gonna stop. Probably.” And then slower, “Slowly.” Like it’s a promise. Like it’s an _attempt_. Like Evan mattered.

And all anxiety aside, Evan... just likes that moment. 

Connor is — an enigma. A riddle that almost matches Evan’s own set of problems, but an entirely on a whole other world that Evan has yet to decipher. And Connor is _nice_. So, so fucking nice when he wants to be. He takes Evan to ice cream when he’s sad, and Evan take him to the park when _Connor_ is sad. And Connor listens to everything Evan say even if he’s rambling! And sure, he calls Evan “stupid” or “weird” but never in a bad way, because whenever Connor would call him those, he smiles a little — this secret smile, the one look he sort of shares with Zoe, except it looks more dangerous and addicting to see because Connor literally sort of never fucking _smiles_ — and Connor... Connor wants to be Evan’s friend, _willingly_ , and not because their moms were conspiring for them to, and it just. 

Connor makes Evan feels _important_. Sometimes even happy.

And it’s weird, because who would’ve thought? But Evan’s writing them all down anyway and printing them out because “Why is today a good day, Evan?” and the answer is: _because Connor Murphy is my friend_ , and it couldn’t be truer and yeah, it makes Evan sounds so weird (and gay! a voice suspiciously like Jared claims) but who cares because _it’s true it’s true it’s true it’s true_ and there’s so much to like about Connor anyway, so why wouldn’t Evan want to be around him, aside from the bad stuff that none of them could really help, but even with the bad stuff, Connor is improving and he shares more of those secret smiles and he talks to Evan openly and doesn’t deny that they’re friends in public and—

“Hey, you done?” 

Evan spins to see Connor’s tall and thin stature leaning against the wall of the computer lab, and Evan feels nervous because it reminds him terribly of the incident nearly two months ago when Connor accused Evan of ganging up on him. 

Despite having it already explained and Connor basically figuring out the rest of Evan’s problems (like the therapy and the anxiety and the friendlessness and the daddy issues) along the way of their odd friendship, it just... doesn’t sit entirely well with Evan. He’d upset Connor. And more importantly, he’d thought Connor was going to _end_ him. Funny how things turn out.

Still, anxiety drapes over his shoulder and spikes up when he spots how Connor’s eyes narrow towards the printing machine hackling up Evan’s letter. Connor had promised he won’t read Evan’s letters if Evan wouldn’t allow it, but he’s sure Connor is thinking more bad things than to just rely on the trust. Still, he trusts. Meanwhile, Evan is just nervous that Connor would _know_.

God, Evan sounds _so_ _gay_ , doesn’t he? 

And _is_ he gay? He might be? Probably. Guys aren’t so bad, after all. And they aren’t much of a difference than girls. Just... erm, the private parts, probably. But. Um. And Connor. He’s— he’s not _displeasing_ to look, per se. And added with their friendship, Connor is... is nice. Nice to Evan. And insightful too, in many strange ways. Like the way he talks about the planets or his weird and totally unexpected obsessions over aliens. And he's serious. But not, at the same time. And Evan likes him. But does he like him _like that?_  

“U-um. Yes. Almost. I— You don’t have to. Wait. Um. It’s not. It’s not that important, anyway. You can go to class, I don’t mind, or don’t. Not. If you don’t want. If classes are boring for you, and it must be, because, I mean. I don’t want to sound stereotypical, but we both know you don’t really like—”

“Hansen, shut the fuck up.”

Somehow, Evan grins a little at that, but he stops his rambling. Glad for it even. “You haven’t had your coffee, have you?”

“What the fuck do you _think_?” Connor groans, and thuds his head against the entrance, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose to ooze out his frustration. “Cynthia was being a nagging bitch, god I can’t fucking stand her.”

“I think your mother’s nice.” Evan admits thoughtfully, before he chews a bit on his lips. Frowns. “Y-your. Your dad. I don’t. He’s not very nice.”

“Really? Didn’t notice.”

Connor hadn’t sounded sarcastic — more so that he'd sounded monotonous and bored — but Evan sticks a tongue out at him anyway, which earns him another one of those secret smiles, and honestly. _Honestly_. Even if it’s not a good day, how can it really be that bad? If Evan can make someone look like that?

Connor hisses at his phone when he pulls them out. Evan assumes he's checking the time. “Is your letter done? We need to hurry.”

 _Thank God he isn’t snatching it away_ , Evan thinks, properly folding the letter from the printer to slide it in between his copy of To Kill A Mockingbird. He puts it in his bag and looks up to see Connor spying on them, his curiosity bleeding heavily through his expression that Evan has this weird imagination how he could trace them all out. Thankfully, Connor still doesn’t approach. Evan’s glad for it, really, but _isn’t_ , all at the same time, because he can sort of guess what Connor must be thinking and he doesn't like it. 

“Fuck.” Connor’s hands in the pocket of his worn jacket moves — Evan think he's curling them into fists — and Evan watches how his blue, _blue_ eyes slide elsewhere, glaring a little. “You writing creepy shit about my sister again, Evan?”

“What! No. Not at all. No — why would you — I mean. No.”

“You fuckin’ sure?” Connor raises a brow and Evan busies himself by checking that the door to the computer lab is shut completely, his other hand’s quick to play with the hem of his shirt. He swallows, nodding vigorously. “Y-yes. Yes. Of course.”

Of course. _God_. How could he possibly be writing about Zoe, no matter how nice or sweet or how caring she was, when sometimes Connor Murphy overwhelms him. Especially recently. “In fact... maybe one day I want you to... to read them.”

“ _What?_ ” Connor’s immediate response is quick, startling. Evan is surprised his whole bones haven’t jumped out of his body just yet.

Evan finds his voice. “R-read them? I want you to... It’s. Um. Special. But not — today’s no — Not yet, I don’t. Um. One day I want you to read them because it's sort of about you and how much you meant to me and tell me what you think even though it’s weird and I’m sorry if it is but I trust you, Connor, and that’s cheesy, but I do, but it’s important to me, a little, or a lot, I don’t know, but maybe one day if you want, but if you don’t want that’s okay too, it’s perfectly fine, because I’m weird and sweaty and a loser and—”

“What did we say about shutting up, Hansen?”

“That I... should practise it?”

“Yeah, and fucking breathe, will you? Geesh.” Connor puts a gentle hand at the back of Evan’s shirt, reassuring, and Evan almost splutters a ‘sorry’ except Connor threatens to kiss his mouth while his own is filled with cigarette smoke and that. Ew. That isn’t hygienic _at all_. “Shit. So the letter... It’s about me?”

“K-kinda.” Connor tenses, and Evan follows suit. “Is that — is that okay? I won’t. I won’t show it to anybody. J-just the doctor. You... you know this, Connor.”

“I do.” Connor breathes, and runs a pale hand down the messy strands of dark brown hair. He repeats: “I do.” And then, “It’s fine. As long as... _yeah_. Whatever. You didn’t, like. Talk shit about me, did you?”

“No.” Evan finds himself smiling for some reason, and catches Connor’s eyes. “Just good stuff, promise.”

“Yeah, as if I have those.”

Evan doesn’t answer, but they both know he's silently disagreeing.

Connor breathes.

“S’fine. I’ll read it one day. If you show me.” The taller of the two gives a _look_ , and Evan almost beams! Connor smirks, and the blue in his eyes are soft. Kind. Unlike when he’s glaring. And Evan finds himself liking them. Connor doesn’t glare as much now, and it’s. It’s breathtaking. Almost. And the _smirk_. God. "Guess I have something to live for now, huh?”

 _Me too_ , Evan doesn’t disagree.

**Author's Note:**

> Hit me up @maariarogers on tumblr to send me tree bros prompt! i'm in hella mood to write them :)


End file.
